Saturday Night Souse
A new feature — Dedicated to the Demon Rum and all her acquaintances
I drink, therefore I am
“Beer is proof God loves us, and wants us to be happy”
Benjamin Franklin
Wino Wisdom (brazenly stolen from Modern Drunkard Magazine) “Gin is a morose widow. Tequila is the supple mistress with the cojones to attend the funeral. Pour me some mistress.”
This week’s hangover remedy: GATORADE. It helps replenish the water and electrolytes lost due to dehydration.
LOL
blubonnet
May 27, 2007 at 1:12 am
Could not help but notice that one of you added Modern Drunkard Magazine Online to your blogroll. Good choice!
hairybeast
May 28, 2007 at 5:14 pm
You should also check out the “86 Rules Of Boozing” from same. A few highlights:
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you’re doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it’s hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.
47. Nothing screams ‘nancy boy’ louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I’m an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what’s good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you’re really drunk, the mothers.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you’re hammered and they’re sober. It’s akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you’re wrong and either way you’re going to come off as a jackass.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
–Frank Kelly Rich
hairybeast
May 28, 2007 at 5:25 pm