The Constitution Club

Dedicated to the Demon Rum and all her acquaintances 

I drink, therefore I am 

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 – CLEVER

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always right. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 – ATTRACTIVE

This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, in the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

Stage 4 – INVINCIBLE

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE you are CLEVER, you’re RICH and you’re more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snob the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still CLEVER you know all the words.

Obligatory Disclaimer: Constitution Club readers are strongly cautioned to behave appropriately while drinking. If you are a ConClub reader, chances are that you are clever already, so Stage 1 of drunkeness for you may be Too Damn Brilliant For Your Own Good. If our readers are anything like ConClub contributors, you are not at all attractive, so don’t worry about that part. Dancing on the table is to be avoided unless you are female and attractive. If you are out with Andre and his friends, attractive males may also dance on the table. But note, if you are a gay male and you are out with straight friends at, say, a biker bar, a tailgating party, or a fratenity house, dancing on any structure is strictly prohibited. [Private parties with Republican Congressmen excepted].

Also, any wagers placed while intoxicated are voidable only by the intoxicated party, so if you are sober, you are a fool to wager with drunks: the ones you lose are enforceable, but the ones you win are not! On the other hand, if you are drunk you should bet anyone, on anything, for any amount. You can’t lose.

Finally, loudly singing songs on the walk home is only allowed if a) there are multiple people in your group singing the same song, and b) the song in question is either a drinking song, a bawdy Irish ballad with profanity, or the school fight song. If you are leaving a game your team has just won and the opposing fans are nearby, the fight song must be sung as loudly as possible while looking directly at the fans. But keep in mind that you are neither invincible nor invisible.