Constitution Club

The Saturday Night Souse

Back to School Edition

“Now son, you don’t want to drink beer. That’s for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.”

Homer Simpson

Ave Maria! I once taught at a Catholic high school that had a liquor license. It was great. The Christmas party put other schools to shame, and the collegiality among the faculty was impressive. Not only that, it wasn’t at all uncommon to receive a bottle of wine from a parent as a gift, or to have a dad go out with you some weekend and buy you a shot. The experience has always made me think more highly of both the school and Catholicism. 

Let schoolmasters puzzle their brains
With grammar, and nonsense, and learning,
Good liquor, I stoutly maintain,
Gives genius a better discerning

— Oliver Goldsmith (1728 - 1774), Irish poet  

Hurry, Bartender, I’m late for class! I also went to a college that had a bar in the basement of the student center.  As with the booze-friendly high school, I found this to be something approaching genius. It was often the case that we would gather for a pitcher or so before class, and even more frequently we would meet there before evening functions like student senate.  

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “

Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor first putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

Obligatory Disclaimer Okay, okay, for real this time. ConClub sometimes writes satire. Nothing herein should be construed to advocate illegal activity. I don’t want my students to drink alcohol. I don’t want Eric’s students to drink alcohol.

The picture of “Paul” above would seem to depict a boy of less than the legal age, and for that I apologize.

The picture that shows some high school girls sneaking in alcohol is not meant to represent all high school girls, just the vast majority.

The pictures from Animal House suggesting that college life is synonymous with wanton drunkenness, probably understate the problem.

When teenagers steal cheap booze, they almost always get sick, so they should start with the good stuff.

Oh, and no other members of ConClub preview, approve, or agree with Saturday Night Souse. And none of them ever got drunk when they were in high school or college.

Honest.