SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE

– by John Semmens – Government Panel Calls for Measures to Upgrade Our Health The Dietary Guidelines Advisory Committee (DGAC) issued a 571 page report outlining its recommendations for transforming Americans’ health. Citing persistent high levels of overweight and obesity, the report proposed “strategies across multiple settings, including health care, communities, schools, work sites, and……

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE

– by John Semmens – Amnesty “Loophole” May Allow Illegals to Vote Secretaries of state from Ohio and Kansas say that the documents—driver’s licenses and Social Security numbers—being provided to the illegal immigrants granted amnesty by President Obama open a “loophole” that will make it easy for these non-citizens to vote in our elections. Presidential……

SEMI-NEWS/SEMI-SATIRE

– by John Semmens – Congressman Says Media Not Pushing Amnesty Hard Enough Rep. Luis Gutierrez (D-IL) castigated the media for its “lackadaisical support of the President’s innovative solution to this chronic problem.” As Gutierrez sees it, “the vilification of amnesty opponents and the glorification of illegal immigrants the media have been doing is too……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – School Board to Add Masturbation to Kindergarten Curriculum The Las Vegas School Board has drafted a new sex education curriculum that has some parents alarmed. Part of the new curriculum includes teaching kindergartners and pre-schoolers how to masturbate. Clark County School Superintendent Pat Skorkowsky called the plan “common sense. Rather……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Congressman Wants to Ban Body Armor Rep. Mike Honda (D-CA) has introduced legislation that would prohibit the sale, use, or possession of body armor by unauthorized persons. “Authorized persons” in Honda’s view include government law-enforcement personnel, troops, and others the government may deem worthy of such protection. “Those duly empowered……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

  -by John Semmens – Ferguson Looting Said to Be Fitting Tribute to Michael Brown The emergence of a convenience store security video tape of Michael Brown roughing up the shopkeeper and stealing boxes of cigars was said to vindicate the looting rampage that followed his being shot by police. “All those stuffed shirts saying……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

 – by John Semmens – Obama Eyes Emancipation Proclamation as Model for Amnesty Executive Order Insiders say that President Obama will use President Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation as the model for his anticipated Executive Order granting amnesty to millions of illegal immigrants. In 1862 Lincoln declared that all slaves in territory held by the Rebels were……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

 – by John Semmens – “Despicable” Anti-Clinton Books Should Be Banned Outraged by the surging popularity of anti-Clinton books overtaking sales of Hillary Clinton’s State Department memoir, Clinton spokesman Nick Merrill offered his opinion that “in a just world such despicable nonsense would neither be allowed nor enabled.” The “despicable nonsense” books Merrill is saying……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Roberts Says Wolf “too Inexperienced for Debate” Senator Pat Roberts (R-Kan) continued his refusal to debate challenger Dr. Milton Wolf prior to the upcoming August 5 primary election date on the grounds that “Wolf is not qualified to hold such a high office.” “I’ve been in this political racket for……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Administration Requests Budget Increase for Immigrant Bedding Asserting that “it would be inhumane for us to force these innocent immigrant children to sleep on substandard beds,” Health and Human Services Secretary Sylvia Burwell has requested an appropriation of “$1,000 per migrant in order to fund minimally acceptable accommodations.” “Many of……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – President Not Getting Enough Credit for Foreign Policy State Department spokeswoman Jen Psaki lamented the perception that President Obama’s foreign policy has been plagued by incoherence and inconsistency, saying that “President Obama doesn’t give himself enough credit for what he’s done around the world.” “Lesser minds are having difficulty comprehending……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Industry Group Warns Prescription Costs Will Rise under Obamacare The Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America (PhRMA) reports that a study comparing out-of-pocket costs under Affordable Care Act health insurance policies will likely exceed costs under employer sponsored plans by an estimated 130%. John Castellani, president and CEO of PhRMA,……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

  – by John Semmens –   Democrat Wants Rewrite of First Amendment   Concerned that “political speech has gone far beyond the bounds envisioned by the Founding Fathers,” Senator Charles Schumer (D-NY) proposes that “we amend the Constitution to correct for unforeseen deficiencies.”   “When the First Amendment was adopted the range of freedom……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Administration Exploring Options for Curbing Anti-Muslim Hate Speech The U.S. Attorney for the Eastern District of Tennessee, Bill Killian, says “the Administration is looking into ways we can curb anti-Muslim hate speech. Such speech violates Muslims’ Constitutional right to freely exercise their religion. It is our duty to protect this……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Dems Advised to Avoid Talking about the Economy Top Democratic strategist, James Carville, advised Democrats seeking reelection to avoid discussing the economy. “The whole notion of an economic recovery is pure poison to any Democrat hoping to retain his or her seat,” Carville lamented. “The Administration has spurred too many……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – State Department Priorities Debated Prior to 2012’s attack on Libyan Ambassador Chris Stevens there were numerous rejected requests from the Ambassador for more security. Then Secretary of State Hillary Clinton blamed the repeated rejection of these requests on budget constraints. At the same time, the State Department was laying out……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Senator Insists Videos of Him Must Have Been Photo-Shopped Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nev) vociferously denied ever accusing victims of Obamacare of lying about their troubles. He dismissed video evidence of him making such accusations as “bogus.” “In an earlier era ‘seeing is believing’ might have been a powerful……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News – by John Semmens – Veep Says Trials and Tribulations of Health Law Qualify President for Sainthood “No one has suffered more than the President over this thing,” said Vice-President Joe Biden commenting on the disastrous Affordable Care Act. “I know it will be hard for those who’ve lost……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – President Admits Obamacare Will Block Access to Many Doctors Despite promising that those who liked their doctors would be able to keep them under Obamacare, President Obama now admits that “in many instances this will not be possible. On balance, though, this is probably a good thing—an unexpected benefit of……

SEMI-NEWS: A Satire of Recent News

– by John Semmens – Seriously Ill Hurt by Obamacare a “Tiny Minority” As the number of seriously ill patients whose access to treatment has been impeded by the Affordable Care Act continues to increase, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius insists that “the actual number affected represents only a tiny minority of the……